randomgenius

Warcrack i mean Warcraft...officially owns my life now. Don't expect to be seeing/hearing much from me. That is all folks. You can return to  your daily lives now.

By Chuck Klosterman. Read it...just do it. Like...I can't even explain. It's such a cool book for rock fans of any sort...and it makes you think right?  Like...gah!
The only thing that makes me mad about the book has to do with my recent revelation about my life and music. There were a few artists I hated becuase of what I thought they said about me, and so becuase of that I dismissed their music entirely. Well this guy does the same thing sort of. "With the possible exception fo Jim Morrison, Eric Claptin is the most overrated rock musician of all time". He also mentions Jim and the Doors a few other times throughout the course of the book. Now I also find Jim a bit overated but I appreciate the Doors music even more now that I realize what an asshole Jim was. Now this guy is a rock critic, and a very insightful one at that. And though he disses on Jim multiple times he never says anything about their music at all. Now I might be taking this very much out of context but, if he dislikes them so much does he dislike the music too? What about the music? Sure, Jim is an asshole but the music is great. What about that Chuck Klosterman? Argh.

Well now that I'm done with that I'm going back to watch Southpark. I can't wait till tomorrow.

Thank you
For the use of the clean towel
Thank you for half of your bed
We can sleep here like brother and sister,
You said

 “I don’t like Ani Difranco all that much…”
“What? You don’t like Ani Difranco? You can’t be a lesbian if you don’t like Ani Difranco!”

 It was after this that I stopped listening to Ani Difranco. Boycotted her even. Made fun of those who listened to her. I hated her. Even though I didn’t like her as an artist she defined me, defined who I could like, who I could be with. I hated that. I hated her for it. I didn’t want anything to do with her, her words, her music, her message. I fucking hated her.

 I sat down at Orchasis and leafed through the program, my heart jumping a little as I saw Gratitude by Ani Difranco as one of the numbers. I felt bitter, and resentful. I thought, ‘I’ll sit through this but it won’t define me as a person, I won’t let it’. The song started, and I don’t even really remember all the dance, the dancers movements transcending into the lyrics, them touching the red hands on their nude leotards, representing the rape, and at the end when Capri sobbed moving her arm ever so softly and that small movement was so powerful, it held more energy than any of the other movements in the whole goddamed show.

 And in that movement I realized something. It’s ok for me to like Ani Difranco, its ok for me to be moved by her lyrics. I may not like all of her music but it’s ok for me to enjoy it once and awhile. My music has nothing and everything to do with who I am. I’m allowed to choose what I listen to. I’m allowed to let words move me. I’m allowed to listen to Led Zeppelin while I have sex with a girl or a guy, I’m allowed to listen to Panic! At the Disco while I drink my coffee, I’m allowed to listen to Ani Difranco as I take a walk on a warm March day. Nothing dictates what I enjoy, at any given moment. I’m reclaiming the music. Right here right now. I’m going to allow myself to be moved, regardless of what people think of me, or how I see myself because of it.

In the end my body, my life choices, my feelings, my actions have nothing to do with what I listen to. I consider music such an important part of who I am, and limiting myself on what music I listen to, I am ultimately limiting myself as a human being. Right now, I’m opening my life, and moving forward into a fuller life. I’m bisexual and I like Ani Difranco. But she has nothing to do with that. She has everything to do with my music. And my life.

 
But you changed the rules
In an hour or two
And I don’t know what you
And your sisters do
But please don’t
Please stop
This is not my obligation
What does my body have to do
With my gratitude?

So I was looking at TV guide and I noticed that the theme for tonight's American Idol was the british invasion. So I was like "eh do I let go of my principals and watch it?"

So I did. And boy was I dissapointed. One of the guys did "You really got me" by the Kinks. The camera pans to a girl in the audience and her face is screwed up like she's in pain and she's crying. Yeah. I'm really upset to.

I knew this was too good to be worth it.

Fucking American Idol. I'm going back to boycotting you.

So this weekend was pretty fantastic. Friday night was the drag show and I decided to do the Lumberjack Song (which is originally a sketch by Monty Python). Though we had a slight problem with one of our lumberjacks we pulled through and came in third! (which really suprised me...) A Hundred Bucks! I took my money and bought a pair of those boyfriend kakki's from Gap (they a really comfy, I love them and they are airy enough to bring to INDIA!) I also bought myself a four cup coffee maker so that way I don't have to spend all my parents money at 1855 getting three cups of coffee a day. So I thought it was a good use of the money.

Tim also came up this weekend which I was super excited about. Gah. But now I have to wait a month before I go home. It's going to be crazy. But he let me dress him up for the drag show which was really fun...and I'm glad that he let me, becuase that means that he trusts me and doesn't mind doing silly stuff with me. The only drawback was that I had to carry him to the campus center 'cause the only shoes that would remotely fit him were my birks and it was snowing.

Now it's back to the week...at least I get a few extra days for my psych paper...it makes my life a little less stressful.

I got number two in the room selection lottery! Be jealous of me bitches! Fireplace room here I come!

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are powerful, passionate, and dominant. You have a vision of how things should be, and you do your best to make things happen. People rely on you for your strength. You are a rock to many. Underneath it all, you aren't so sure about your passions. So many ideas spark your interest, it is hard for you to get behind a select few. However, you see indecision as a sign of weakness. So you pursue your goals full force - no matter how foolish they turn out to be.

Intersting. I feel this is sorta true. When I'm not being lazy.

On another note...I need to find some way to not drink energy drinks/coffee. I'm becoming addicted it's not good. And my stomach doens't appreciate the coffee either..

Does anyone know of any good female ska bands (not Save Ferris...) If you could give me reccomendations or send me songs that would be super amazing.

Also. If any of you have any ideas on how to shake off this opressive boredom let me know. I need help soon.

So the monoluges were last week...and they went inrecdibly well. I couldn't have asked for a better group of women to work with. My monoluge was nervewracking. Wednesday I spoke so quick, and Thursday I spoke too slow. Friday though was just amazing. I got pissed off. I was really pissed off and my anger just dripped in my voice I could feel it it was fantastic.

Tim also came up for Thursday night/Friday, and friday he had a fever and I played nurse for a bit. Then I find out that he has the flu. I'm starting to be achy and not feeling too well but I'm wondering if that's just my mind playing tricks on me. We'll see tomorrow morning.

Hannibal Lector has been my companion in Tim's abscence. I forgot how much I missed reading for my own benefit, and I found out that I deeply adore Psychological Thrillers. How nice.

Today I did my presentation on Women and the Punk Movement for the Reinstein Symposium. In preparing for this I discovered my love for the Patti Smith song "Because the Night". It's been stuck in my head all day along with David Bowie/Queen's "Under Pressure". It's funny how well those songs work together in my brain.

But anyway the symposium. So last night I went to go make sure that the powerpoint and the sound clips worked on the computer in the lecture hall. The sound clips didn't work the first time (I had the powerpoint on my flash drive) becuase the song clips were routed to my computer and not the flash drive. So I solved the problem by putting the songs on the flash drive and then routing them from there. All seems well. So I put my flash drive in the computer for the actual presentation and the computer doesn't recognize it. Fuck. But I just tried this last night and it worked fine. Luckily I had also saved the powerpoint to my U drive when I had tested it last night so I ran the powerpoint from there. Sadly the sound clips didn't work so i had to use little 30second clips from itunes. I was so upset. But then Jan Kather sent me a nice email afterwards saying how she loved my presentation and that it was a nice change from the usual topics (women in businuess etc) and that she was glad that I engaged the audience. I felt a little better after that.

Valentines Day on Wednesday. I'm very much against the idea of this holiday. Why should you show your love for your significant other on just one day. Why can't you just get them a card randomly to show your affection. Why this one day? It's so commercial it makes me sick. Yet at the same time...I'm not looking foward to it. I suspect I'll be sad on wednesday cause Tim is in Wochester and if I do indeed have the flu that will be the day I'll be suffering the most.

So after watching "Eteranl Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" this weekend I got this idea into my head. Oh man it would be so cool if I had blue hair. I tossed this idea aside until yesterday when my spontanious nature took over me and I drove down to Sally's Beauty supply and bought a lightening kit and blue hair dye.

So I figured...yellow+blue=green, so I really shouldn't leave the bleach to develop too long.

Oh that is wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Allison you should have taken Art instead of band in high school. Either that or hair classes.

What ended up happening is the bits in front which had been bleached longer turned white and therefore a nice shade of blue. The peices in the back that didn't develop for long turned a nasty green.

So I'm stuck wearing a hat till tomrrow when I can go get some black hair dye. Black coveres everything right? Maybe I should go back to art class....


Oh and...while I'm here. The Vagina Monoluges are amazing. A-MAZING. We have such a great cast, I made a few new friends, and everyone brings so much life to their monoluge. Go see it if you haven't, and for those of you not at Elmira, check to see if a show is going on at your campus. I'ts worth it.

The only thing that I'm worried about is that people can't relate to the monoluge I wrote myself. (It's about my mom and my sister). It doesn't make sense to them, they don't relate to it the way they relate to the one about Fuck Buddies and Masturbation. At first I was upset, but then I realized that I wrote this for me this is my monoluge I don't care what you say. But if only I really felt that.

But yeah. Go see the show. Don't dye your hair blue.

Is it wrong to keep something for asthetic reasons even if you hate the person that it reminds you of/the reason why they gave it to you/the fact that they gave it to you and that you want nothing more to do with that part of your life?

Does this even make sense?

So this evening started out a little rocky. Once again I got pulled into the trap of believing that certin people actually care when they really don't. I try not to get my hopes up but I do anyway and then I crash and burn when I'm wrong.

But then I watched little miss sunshine. Which reminded me of the fact that suffering can lead to great things and that suffering defines us for the better and I just..I don't know. See the movie it's amazing.

And I'm not going to be dissapointed again.

But I've been really distracted. I want to go back to school and get back to my life. I feel like I'm a totally different person when I'm at home...and I don't like it.

When I'm at home I get the feeling that my mom doesn't like me. I think it's becuase in comparison to chelsea, the teenage daughter poster child, I'm worthless. I'm just her first try, that failed. Chelsea has perfect blonde hair, has lots of friends, the rockstar boyfriend, lots of teenage drama (all of which she says with my mom) and I have none of that. But this doesn't really upset me. I don't want that for myself anyway. But it's so strange cause when I'm here even though that's not what I want I tend to try. I'm starting to dress like Chelsea and act like Chelsea and I hate it.

I want to go back to school so I can focus on being myself again.

Oh...well one good thing. I got my Ipod Nano...it's pretty and green and it's name is Ziggy Stardust...cause that was the first song that came up when I hit shuffle. Hehe.

One other thing...my dad took me to an indian restraunt and I'm so excited about going now. I still have the taste in my mouth and it makes the trip tangable and real. As real as it can be 4 months before I'm going I suppose.

So I came to a really nifty realization last night.

Last week in my counceling sessioin we were talking about ways that I can calm myself down when I'm panicking or just in a bad mood. My councler asked me to think of a calm/happy memory and no matter how I tried I couldn't. It's not that I haven't had calm/happy expierences but most of those have some negative/bitter aspect attached to them...and that's what I focus on.

But then last night I was driving home from work (it was a crappy night) and I had Cat Steven's in the CD player and I just calmed down. I thought of various parts of Harold and Maude and I was just smiling and singing along.

So thank you Cat Stevens/Ruth Gordon/Bud Cort. You help me make it through my day.

Now it's off to being productive again. I don't have any finals today but I've got a lot acomplished.

oh and ps...my secret santa (amanda) got me a penguin from happy feet that vibrates when you pull the string on her back. I had a hard time deciding a good name for her as I've used up most of the obvious punk junkies. I finally decided on pam courson (fanks kali). I feel it's appropriate.

So here is is my thanksgiving blog...direct to you from Hampstead NH wooo *eyeroll*

but yeah so this week has been pretty cool. It's been nice to sleep in a big bed..even if I've been having weird dreams..about work. It's probably becuase I think I was suppost to work today...but I'm not back in Elmira...adn I've been trying to get in touch with my boss but I can't. I can't even leave a message. I think it's my anxiety coming through in my dreams. I'm trying not to worry about it too much.

Also while watching ANTM this week (poor michelle...my favorite models always leave...but now I'm rooting for Amanda/CarrieDee) I realized exactly why I hate Melrose so much. It's becuase she's there to win and not to make friends and be nice, and for someone like me who always sacrifices myself for others, won't talk myself up to people in power, who beleives in modesty and being real, seeing Melrose get praise from the judges and doing well, makes me question how I can survive in a world where people like Melrose are getting to the top. It's frustrating. And if she wins I'll throw a fit. I'm seriously concidering writing to Tyra and being like "is this what you want to teach girls? That they have to be mean and not have friends in order to get ahead"? cuase if that's how people in the world are going to be then I don't want to live in it anymore.

In other news Happy Feet was amazing! It made me so happy! haha. Oh and John's sister is kick ass...she's so cool. Yay for punk kids!

Yeah so that's about it. Back to working on my blanket cause it's almost finished!

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Things have been going well for me the past few days. Work is actually ok. I'm keeping busy, and that keeps my mind from wandering.

Also I've noticed that I don't mind so much when people compliment me. Like a few years ago someone would be like "Hey Allison great job on that project, you are a really dedicated worker" or something similar. And I would get all embarassed and say to myself that i didn't deserve it. Last night though the girl I was working with kept telling Tag that I was great and that he should keep me. And I was ok with it. Which is great becuase it shows that I am what people say I am, and that I don't have to put myself down.

But speaking of which....i'm doing that borderline thing again. I need to stop worrying when people don't talk to me...and not feel bad about myself based on that.

Well it's off to work for now...I can't wait till I head home on saturday. It can't come soon enough

So Rocky Horor last night was amazing. I hadn't seen that movie in forever...and we did all the props and everything so it was pretty amazing. There was this girl behind me who had gone to midnight showings before so she knew what she was doing and we were just laughing and being cool.

I dressed up as Columbia...i had my corset and erin's striped skirt. I actually like my hair all slicked back i think it's cool and Erin says it makes me look older. So that makes me excited too.

I drank a littlle before I went so I was a little tipsy...and Dr. B was there and I was like "oh shit!". I was so embarassed even though I had no reason to. haha.


I had a lot of fun and Erin and I ran back to Perry singing Pistols songs. It was a grand evening.


So tonight we celebrate the life of Flippy the Beta. Come to the Perry 2nd Bathroom tonight at 7pm to help us send him off.

OH! and another reason why I love my roomie (and meghan) ...after we got back from target we stole leaves from under cars and made a pile and jumped in them. It was fun. And then this girl from my soc class and her friends walked by and megan was like "lets do something perverted" and she like rolled on top of erin adn started makign noises...the girls were so freaked out. it was great. I love my roomie and how dorky we are...


....NOT MEATLOAF AGAIN!

So I am pretty amazed with myself. One lesson and I have the barre chords down and I've been jamming like a mad woman.

Songs Learned:
Blitzkreig Bop-the Ramones
God Save the Queen-The Sex Pistols
Seven Nation Army-The White Stripes
Boy's Don't Cry-The Cure.

Yay me! *feels acomplished*

So now I'm off to visit Fawn and Steve for break. I'm really happeh. It's glorious driving weather.

So I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately...and even though some of it's depressing i'm not depressed. I take this as a good sign. I've been putting a lot of energy into my classes and doing stuff for my various clubs. Lindsey's boyfriend Brian is also going to start giving me guitar lessons next week!

But I'm not sure it's just been werid. Erin has Adam now, Brandi has Liz, and Lindsey has Brian. Now i'm not jealous or anything it's just...weird. A good weird but still weird. I feel detached from people. But i'm not upset about it. I'm just content with living my life here. I think that this is progress from last year.

The problem I do have though is I feel like i'm loosing touch with my friends elsewhere. This bothers me more becasue it's not like if i don't talk to them for awhile i can see them again at a campus event. ya know? like I'm not sure what's going on in their daily lives and it bothers me because what if they change and what if i bring up something that they don't care about anymore. Fawn Kali and I used to share music, books, sub-cultures we wished we had expierenced but I don't feel that anymore. I miss that. A lot. A lot a lot. And I hope that there can be some way for me to save that before it goes away completely. It's hard to come out and say this directly to them because then they'll tell me i'm paraniod like they always do. But this feeling is not the deepset paranoia of years past. this is a genuine well thought out feeling.

On a lighter note I'm definetly going to India for term three. I'm really really really excited. I remember playing Indian princesses with Magda in Texas and it makes me very happy, knowing that I'll get to expierence that wonderful culture.

So I finally figured out what I want my new tattoo to be. The only problem is i can't find where I saw the picture. I've been searching for hours and i still can't find it. So I decided instead to comission it from my artistically talented friends.

I really want a tattoo on my arm thats full of color. What i would like it to be is a lizard inside a crown that's on fire. Basically symbolizing Jim Morrison the lizard king.

Let me know if you're intersted in doing this for me...it would be a big help.

Thanks in advance!